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Beanie Blog #7
October 7, 2021 The Gales of October
Gale winds are the kind of winds that can knock over a human being. It can also sink a ship like the Edmund Fitzgerald with waves that overcome the vessel. In the month of October, I feel much like the Edmund Fitzgerald because this month is hell for me.
My 18-year-old niece died in October 2003. Jenny had her whole life
ahead of her. She was smart and beautiful. I was close to her and loved
her like a daughter. (I love all my nieces like daughters) One horrible
night, she died in a car accident. It was presumed she fell asleep at
the wheel. She was only a week away from her 19th birthday.
Her funeral was one of the saddest days in our family. Every October
brings a flood of memories of her….and the painful reminder that she
isn’t here with us.
My beloved sister, Petra, died in October 2008. I wrote in detail about
her cancer struggle in the book I penned for my mother, The Gift of
Gisela. Petra was like
my twin, we were only 17 months apart, and we shared all the same
heartaches and pains growing up together. As adults we became very
different people but remained close. We lived in different states but
thanks to phones and email, we were in touch constantly. She was my
Matron of Honor at my wedding in 2004 and the moment she shared her
diagnosis with me, I booked a plane to Colorado. It was the last time I
saw her alive. The memories from that week with her are precious to me.
We talked endlessly and I was able to help her recover from a hospital
stay. A few months later, she died. I have never recovered from losing
her. It never gets easier. Her loss is felt every day and some days it
feels like part of me died with her.
When fall rolls around, and October approaches, there is always dread in
my heart. I used to say, “I hate October,” but what I hate are the
painful memories of October. Those painful memories usually keep me from
enjoying one of the most beautiful months of the year.
My dogs (my furbabies) are part of our family. We’ve had many over the
years: Bardo, Buffy I, Buffy II, Abby, Bailey, Duke, Monty, and the only
survivor of the pack, Maggie. They all died of old age or were taken
from us by illness. Our beloved, goofy Monty died suddenly in October
after he started having seizures. They were so violent and came on so
suddenly that we were at a loss about what to do. The vet tried seizure
meds, but they had to give him such a high dose that he was no longer
our dog. He was a zombie dog who didn’t respond to his name. We had to
face putting him down. He was only 10. I remember leaving the vet’s
office after we said our final goodbye to him and feeling so heartbroken
that when my husband pointed out the beautiful fall colors to me on our
way home, I couldn’t find the beauty in it. There was only loss and
sadness.
This past week, I took Maggie to the vet and was given bad news. At age
14, old age caught up with her and her issues can no longer be treated.
I had the “quality of life” talk with the vet and took Maggie home
knowing I was about to lose her. I am shattered at the thought of losing
her. She has been special from the moment I brought her home. You see,
back in 2008 after my sister died, I was lost and adrift in my grief.
Then one day I saw a photo of a dog who needed to be rescued and my
heart came back to life. It was Maggie. We drove down to Indiana to
rescue her. From the moment I held her, she was mine. She bonded so
quickly to me and has been my shadow for all these years. She is my lap
dog, my cuddle buddy, and I know she helped me heal after losing my
sister. Now, I am about to lose her, and I can’t bear it. Very soon, I
will be saying my final goodbye to this little, loving, loyal companion
who enriched our lives more than I could have imagined.
I read somewhere that grief and loss can be like waves rushing over you.
They hit you at the most unsuspected times and bathe you in a flood of
memories. I find this to be true. However, for me, the waves of grief
feel like gale winds during the month of October, and they knock me over
every year. I’m trying to find the silver lining about October—the start
of hockey season, pretty fall colors, Halloween, holidays
approaching—but it’s hard to tell my brain to enjoy something that
brings me nothing but gale winds through my heart. Looking forward to better days. Love to all of you who also may be experiencing the same pain.
With love and appreciation, Sabina (Beanie) Boston
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